Love

Photo

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 22:26:11 -0400

Photo

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 14:11:20 -0400

Period: WAKE UP ASSHOLE, YOU GOT CRAMPS.

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 23:28:29 -0400

Period: WAKE UP ASSHOLE, YOU GOT CRAMPS.
Period: How bout an entire chocolate cake for breakfast?
Period: How's that back pain? Feeling better? Let's fix that.
Period: Find a cookie as big as a house and eat it.
Period: Where's your Tic Tac box filled with ibuprofen?
Period: Got things to do? Don't care. Sleep.
Period: For dinner you're eating an entire bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
Period: Breeze blows by. Instantly horny.
Period: You didn't like those brand new underwear right?
Period: Yell at a puppy.

michaelfassbenderwithpugs: Michael Fassbender wearing a pug for...

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 07:55:34 -0400

michaelfassbenderwithpugs:

Michael Fassbender wearing a pug for a rug.

porrim-mama: tahthetrickster: i really like looking at google image searches for “firemen rescuing...

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 07:54:45 -0400

porrim-mama:

tahthetrickster:

i really like looking at google image searches for “firemen rescuing cats” or something because you get super cute pictures like

AND THEN THERE’S THIS ONE

michaelfassbenderwithpugs: “LOL”

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 07:53:57 -0400

michaelfassbenderwithpugs:

“LOL”

narcolepsy-realness: thelilnan: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE OKAY AJAX SOAP THEIR SLOGAN IS “STRONGER THAN...

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 07:53:49 -0400

narcolepsy-realness:

thelilnan:

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE

OKAY

AJAX SOAP

THEIR SLOGAN IS “STRONGER THAN GREASE”

AND I WAS LIKE OKAY YEAH MAKES SENSE FOR A DISH SOAP- WAIT

AJAX WAS A GREEK SOLDIER RENOWNED FOR HIS STRENGTH

AJAX IS STRONGER THAN ALL OF GREECE

oh mY GOD

fuckyeahthespianpeacock: saltheria: yeffyaboyuice: mythchief: ...

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 07:51:39 -0400

fuckyeahthespianpeacock:

saltheria:

yeffyaboyuice:

mythchief:

So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!

I get naked.

FULL naked.

REAL naked.

I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.

No cookies. Blatant nudity.

That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…

And there it was.

This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.

Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.

“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”

Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”

As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.

This was, nearly, one of those.

If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.

My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.

I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:

“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”

And inquiries such as:

“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”

Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit retard, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?

That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.

An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.

OMG ITS BACK

This shit needs to be published.

This is going in the monologue section and I’m not even sorry.

idiotsonfb:

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 07:46:08 -0400

idiotsonfb:

Photo

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 07:45:49 -0400

gatsbymovie: Prepare for the Summer of Gatsby - in theaters May...

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 07:44:37 -0400

gatsbymovie:

Prepare for the Summer of Gatsby - in theaters May 10! Follow us on Tumblr.

pallyr: lady-brettashley: I will have to keep this in mind...

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 18:13:28 -0400

pallyr:

lady-brettashley:

I will have to keep this in mind while I write…

Photo

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 18:13:08 -0400

not-safe-for-earth: The sound I made was not human

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 18:12:16 -0400

not-safe-for-earth:

The sound I made was not human

Sometimes your boss just needs you to order a unicorn

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 08:39:15 -0400

Sometimes your boss just needs you to order a unicorn

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 08:39:15 -0400

Sometimes your boss just needs you to order a unicorn

origami-dolls: DILF DILF DILF DILF

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 08:32:54 -0400

origami-dolls:

DILF DILF DILF DILF

elliotandolivia: the—hot—list: Chris Meloni

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 08:32:34 -0400

elliotandolivia:

the—hot—list:

Chris Meloni

enmediodelviento: fuck yeah

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 08:32:19 -0400

enmediodelviento:

fuck yeah

gagashairbow: can we take a moment in all this tragedy to just thank firefighters and policemen and...

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 04:31:22 -0400

gagashairbow:

can we take a moment in all this tragedy to just thank firefighters and policemen and doctors and even bystanders for rushing to help and risking their lives to try to help in any way that they can